Hang on a minute. Rewind. Carpet apparition?
That’s right. Carpet apparition. The strange new phenomenon that is infiltrating random fibres of our household weave. The attacks are unpredictable and as yet, no detectable pattern is discernible, so it should be assumed that any textured floor covering may be a target; no matter how threadbare. I speak from my own experience as one who has witnessed this ‘miracle’.
It was a few weeks ago now and happened without warning. No eerily glowing light or weird ghoulish noises to herald its arrival; just a routine session with the vacuum and there it was: a life-affirming representation of Dave Lee Travis, in our bedroom carpet.
I’ll admit, I was shocked at first. Nobody expects to find a Radio 1 DJ from the ’70s and ’80s looming in their Axminster. But once this had subsided, I felt humbled: humbled that of all the flats in the block, it had chosen ours.
Its monotone imprint and the ethereal, haunting quality of its expression reminded me of ‘The Shroud of Turin’. Quite odd really considering ‘The Hairy Cornflake’ had a beard that could disguise a family of excitable rodents.
Its hypnotic nature mesmerised me and as I entered into an altered state, the musical strains to ‘Our Tune’ were clearly audible as they wafted up from amongst the fluff and dust at the back of the radiator.
Was this a message? Had our carpet become an inter-dimensional portal to 1970s Radio 1? Who next? Simon Bates?… Kid Jensen? OMG! How would I cope if Tony Blackburn turned up?
These were the thoughts that were rattling around in my head when my partner walked in. So distracted was I, that I didn’t see him pick up the hoover.
‘Oh look, you’ve missed a bit,’ he muttered helpfully, as I emerged from my trance and DLT bit the dust.
So, if you’ve experienced something similar to finding a disembodied head lurking in your shagpile, we’d love to hear from you. But for those remaining apparition virgins, be sure to examine your own weave next time you find yourself on all fours on your bedroom carpet. And if you’re discovered by an unsuspecting window cleaner, you’re now armed with the perfect excuse.