What is your overriding memory of the London 2012 Olympics? Is it the spectacular opening ceremony; the drama of the events themselves; the larger than life personalities or, like me, the chiselled abs of Jessica Ennis?
As I watched Jessica negotiate the hurdles, I could imagine my seven bellies morphing into a ripped six pack. At once, I was transformed into a lithe and bronzed Bond girl emerging from the sea onto a white sandy beach. Daniel Craig was ready and waiting to whisk me down the aisle, dressed only in the briefest pair of ‘budgie smugglers’. (Now don’t tell me you wouldn’t swap places with my dream self in an instant; and I bet you women would as well.) By the time Ms Ennis reached the Finish line, the ring was already on my finger. Not only that, but the same finger had wandered across the mouse pad to click the eBay ‘Buy Now’ button and activate an express next day delivery.
The following morning, it was almost painful to watch as the delivery man struggled to drag my deluxe cross trainer up the last few steps to our first floor flat – the lift wasn’t working again. I’ll never forget that look in his eyes! It brought to mind the pleading expression of the family dog as he was dragged through the doors of the local vets on his way to be neutered.
It was difficult to understand what the man was trying to say through the wheezing. I considered offering him a cup of tea, but a blast with a defibrillator might have suited him better. By the time we’d completed what I thought was an unusual games of charades, five minutes had passed. It was quite embarrassing to learn he only wanted me to sign his delivery docket.
I watched him go back to his van. He looked in the back, shook his head and then kicked the wheel before driving off. I’m sure I heard him say he had another fourteen machines like mine to deliver that day … I must have heard him wrong.
The scream came first, followed by several expletives when my partner arrived home from work. We had to eat our meal sitting on the bed that night; the box had taken over the lounge like Dr Who’s Tardis. It’s done nothing for the feng shui of the room.
He’s promised to put it together for me in the morning, so by this time tomorrow I should be up and running. My Olympic dream is now one step closer.
I’ll be back to let you know how I get on.
Image credit: cardmaverick / 123RF Stock Photo