I feel I owe my limited audience an explanation for my absence, as my post on New Year’s Eve failed to acknowledge this. And so, allowing Julie Wow further respite for the festivities, I shall bore… I mean, regale you with my battle against the dark forces of evil.
So you were involved in the overthrowing of a despotic dictator then? Or were you a fundamental component in a rebel uprising?
No. Something more powerful and insidious than that – a provider of one of life’s essentials.
A utility company? A bank? A landlord?
No… something even more essential.
More essential than warmth, food and shelter? Impossible!
You wouldn’t be saying that if you had to be parted from your mobile phone, although to be exact it wasn’t me that had to be extricated from the device, but my son.
Let me explain.
I was offered a second phone for a family member by my provider, who shall remain anonymous (except to say that it has connotations with a famous mother’s name associated with Christmas and begins with V and ends in N).
Things didn’t bode well from the start: a faulty socket rendering the use of any earphones unworkable. But after several calls to the provider, assurances were made to guarantee a speedy repair and return of the said item.
Unfortunately, the affected appliance crashed and burned, whilst charging, on the day it was due to be sent back. Undeterred, we believed their appropriate mumblings that this wouldn’t pose a problem and remained confident of a satisfactory resolution.
‘Lord, what fools these mortals be!’
A text message delivered the following day gave cause for great celebration – it had been received at the warehouse.
What joy! The promised four day turnaround was in sight and the mobile would soon be returned to its rightful master.
The four days came and went. Still nothing. So we took the momentous decision to contact them to ascertain its progress, feeling quietly confident that it would already be winging its way back.
It wasn’t. We had been overlooked in the system and after negotiating a chain of command that could have put Napoleon’s generals to shame, it was established that the phone was out of its warranty conditions due to… wait for it… water damage.
WATER DAMAGE?!! But it hasn’t been anywhere near water.
Yes, but water damage may constitute any number of things, according to this provider.
Let me elaborate:
- walking from a cold atmosphere into a warm room (that’s winter out then)
- getting caught in the rain with the phone in your pocket (no point letting your mobile leave the house – we do live in the UK)
- breathing too heavily onto the handset (dirty phone callers, take note – do these still exist by the way?)
Following this we realised that further debate was futile as the technicians’ decision was final. (The technicians are held in high esteem having been trained by Samsung, which is akin to NASA scientists… obviously).
The upshot of this charade was that unless we pay £65 to repair a phone that had been in our possession for less than two months, it would be returned to us unusable and the remainder of the 24 month contract would still stand.
They refused to enter into any discussion regarding the original complaint of a faulty earphone socket. Water damage was their trump card and no amount of cajoling, threatening or pleading could shift their immoveable position.
My son and I discussed and reasoned our decision in a mature and logical way at length for approximately three seconds… then told them to stuff it.
The phone was returned a few days later – apparently irreparable without a considerable amount of work doing to it. But, as if by magic, the phone sprung into action the minute it was switched on. It appeared to have had the moisture sucked from its core and its socket filaments fiddled with, until what was left was an appliance in perfect working order.
The postmen, at Royal Mail, sure have healing hands. Well it is the time of miracles. Praise be to the Lord!
If you are still awake following this prolonged diatribe, I congratulate and thank you. But, I am interested in hearing from others who have experienced similar altercations. So please send your comments. We may be weak and powerless but together we can unite to rail against the injustices of the mobile phone giants… even if they do choose to ignore us.